Boyd Signs For Parmo

The Celtic fans and the Scottish media must really have upset Gordon Strachan. How else to explain his transformation into the Pied Piper, leading every Old Firm player into a cave that they can never escape from?

Or, as we know it today, Middlesbrough.

Of course in Hamelin the lame, blind and deaf children were left behind. Gordon's left us with Kirk Broadfoot. Sweet.

Like waiting for a Melanie Phillips appearance on Question Time it's always a treat to hear Kris Boyd speak.

Unveiled by Middlesbrough yesterday at the end of a protracted and ridiculously dull transfer saga, he opined:

"In Scotland you're playing the same teams three or four times a season and that gets boring after a while.

"The majority of people in Scotland want to play in England as it is chance to enjoy the best possible facilities and I had made up my mind that I was coming to Middlesbrough once I came back from holiday."

To which the only possible reply is: "Where the hell did you go on holiday? Kabul?"

He does have a point though. I suppose Rangers players might get a frisson of excitement from playing in Europe or facing up against Celtic. But Kris was normally completely marginalised or benched in those games so it's little wonder that the poor boy got a bit frustrated.

Still. Middlesbrough. Was he not being courted by Premiership clubs? Did Kayserispor not offer him mega bucks to join former Ranger Shoto Arveladze in Turkey?

Yes they did. But the chance to link up with Willo Flood doesn't come round all that often.

And nor does the chance to enjoy Teeside's most magnificent creation.

Is it a coincidence that so many SPL players are ending up in a city where the late night snacks are even more unhealthy than our own?

It can't be:

I recently found myself ravenous in Middlesbrough town centre on a Saturday night after a work assignment, and was directed by a zealous local friend towards what is by far Teesside's most popular fast food – a 'parmesan' (from 'chicken parmesan'), shortened to 'parmo' in general parlance.

The 'Meat Feast Parmo' I ordered for £6.50 consisted of a chicken escalope marginally smaller than a satellite dish, deep fried in breadcrumbs, covered in béchamel sauce and melted cheddar cheese, and then topped with pepperoni, bacon, more cheese, and ladles of creamy garlic sauce. The one bit of protein the parmo does not seem to contain is parmesan.

This extraordinary beast of a late-night 'snack' is served with a mountain of chips and the most sarcastic portion of salad you've ever seen in your life. As you can see, it filled the 12" pizza box it was served in. I ate a third of it with gusto, paused, came up for air, and suddenly felt quite ill. But I'd buy one again in a shot, however many placards my colon might wave in protest at this idea.

How could anyone resist that?

Gordon Strachan: The Parmo Piper of Riverside.

> Money: By hanging around at Ibrox for so long Boyd has made himself a pretty penny. But he's deprived both Rangers and Kilmarnock of transfer fees and add ons that they could both do with. How much sympathy you have for them will depend on your allegiances. But when you consider that Boyd could have set his sights higher than Middlesbrough had he left in January it might leave a bit of a sour taste in Govan and Ayrshire.

> I have tried a Parmo. Beyond words. Not a regular thing but there's something about it. I'd be happy to fall behind Chris Killen in the striking pecking order for the chance to have a Parmo forever to hand.

A Quiet June

A not completely uneventful but largely dull June for Scottish football. As interpreted by me for Albion Road, anyway:

It’s a strange thing being stranded outside the World Cup. We watch, we’re interested, we have our heroes, we relish our villains. But we’re not involved. And it hurts.

Maybe it’s been made worse this year by a dearth of stories in Scottish football. It’s been one of our quieter summers so far.

Managers

A tale of two Lennons and a delayed Finnish.

Neil Lennon was finally unveiled as Celtic manager. The appointment was pretty much an open secret but the process was remarkably protracted. After such a lengthy courtship a less besotted bride than Lennon might well have walked away.

The stakes are high for Celtic and Lennon remains a novice. It will be interesting to watch. But only time will tell if this is a gamble that will pay off.

Summer dreams ripped at the seams

I’m glad we’ve got the World Cup to distract us from the dullness of the SPL summer.

Given how bad some of last season’s football was I’m really quite depressed by the lack of activity. It seems to promise a whole heap of more of the same.

I know it’s still early. But, come on, throw us some kind of bone.

Yes, yes, I know. Celtic got Neil Lennon, Walter Smith stayed on and Rangers are no longer up for sale.

None of that was really exciting though. Lennon’s appointment was an open secret long before he was officially unveiled and its protracted nature ended up making it more boring than a fortnight at an activity centre run by Fabio Capello.

Likewise Smith’s new contract always seemed Rangers’ best option. And given that only a criminal and a jumped up estate agent seemed at all interested in buying the club the prospect of them being taken off the market was looking increasingly likely for weeks before it was announced.

Forgive me if I don’t start doing cartwheels at the news that Kevin Kyle will be bringing his human battering ram stage show to Tynecastle or that Hibs have signed Edwin de Graaf, a player who I almost saw once but didn’t.

St Mirren have installed a new manager and I applauded them for it. But that was because I rate Danny Lennon and like to see Scottish manager given a chance after working in the lower division. It’s certainly not because I’ve any great confidence that Lennon will bring more success to Paisley than Gus MacPherson did.

A suspicion confirmed by Lennon’s almost immediate swoop for David van Zanten, a capture that falls somewhere short of inspirational.

Motherwell at least showed some verve in getting the best named player so far in Angelis Charalambous from Anorthosis Famagusta. And Hamilton added that missing splash of showbiz at New Douglas Park when they signed her off Blue Peter’s brother, Gavin Skelton, from Kilmarnock.

My heart almost missed a beat when it looked like World Cup winning German Thomas Hassler might take the Kilmarnock job before he disappointed us all by recovering his sanity and asking how he had ended up on a tour of Rugby Park and could somebody kindly take him back to the airport please.

Even the Kris Boyd saga has gone quiet. Where will he go? Nobody knows. I thought I had the answer when I heard Kris had been spotted in Blackpool. It turns out he just takes a caravan down there every summer. It’s the candy floss and penny falls that he can’t get enough of.

Obviously it is hard to get things done with a World Cup on. Not because lots of players won’t start talking to new clubs until their national commitments are finished. No, it’s more that all our managers are sat in front of the TV sickening themselves with a diet of Pringles and Special Brew while ruminating on exciting new variations on 4-5-1.

So basically nowt is happening. Even the daily round-ups of all the SPL gossip are better saved and read at night when you need to drop off to sleep.

Maybe we should help them out by beginning our own rumours. Any suggestions?

Silly season

A few days away from the blog and the whole world goes crazy as Kris Boyd signs for Celtic.

Well, no he didn't. And was never going to.

It was nice little scoop while it lasted for The Sun. Which was about two and a half minutes.

How did it come about? Someone in Boyd's entourage looking to force the hand of either Rangers or other potential suitors? Somebody at Celtic wanting to have little fun at The Sun's expense?

Or the journalist - Iain King - simply making it up?

I don't know. Although I would say King and his editors were more likely guilty of wanting the scoop to be true after a dodgy tip off rather blatant fiction. Believe that, don't believe that. But it's probably what happened.

Anyway it gave The Sun another few pages the next day as they set about rebutting the rebuttals.

No legal action will be taken of course. No journalist will lose access to any of the named parties.

Clubs and papers know that this is how it works. Especially in "silly season." The journalists need their copy, the club's need the publicity. And so it goes on.

In other news Walter Smith signed on for another season at Rangers with a planned abdication in a year. That didn't work out too well the last time as I recall.

And congratulations to Peter Houston for signing a deal with Dundee United. Just reward for a job well done.

Back in blue

If The West Wing is to believed - and the few strands of sanity I cling to would fall from my grasp if it is not - then Friday is "take out the trash day." The day when you bury any controversial stories in a blizzard of releases on the premise that nobody bothers with the news on a Saturday.

I'm sure that it was only coincidence then that Craig Levein chose yesterday to confirm the return of at least three prodigals to the international fold. Not that yesterday would have been an ill timed day to bury bad news what with MP's facing prosecution, England's Brave John Terry getting a curt arrivederci and rugby vying for a spot on the back pages.

Levein, a man of steely eyed focus, has always made it clear that he feels a responsibility to have all his best players at his disposal. Finally sealing the deal with that serial international tease Andrew Driver is proof of that determination.

But it is the potential return of Kris Boyd, Allan McGregor and Barry Ferguson that will raise eyebrows.

There will be those that feel that Boyd shouldn't be given the indulgence of picking the international managers he wants to play for. And will another walkout prove to be as undermining to the Burley regime as it was to George Burley's? If, as Levein has hinted, Lee McCulloch is preparing to make himself available the same questions will be asked.

McGregor is likely to return only as a squad member and even his reprieve might not be enough to ignite an international career that has never really got going in light of Craig Gordon's consistency in Scotland colours.

The return of Captain Barry is the most intriguing prospect. In a week when disgraced international captains have been big news it is interesting to note that player power in football has now evolved to such a stage that simply shafting your manager and a nation's fans is but a blip on the path to forgiveness.

Except that, for all Levein's wooing, Barry is not set for an immediate return. He's got commitment to his clubs you see, so he can't make himself readily available. I think that sound you hear is an olive branch being snapped by an ungrateful wretch.

If he was serious about redemption - although you must question if he accepts any fault - then Ferguson should have said that he's available immediately. If he wants to concentrate on his club career then he should have politely declined the invite from Levein and announced his international retirement.

To stall suggests that Ferguson has lost none of the arrogance that surrounded him and his Ibrox cabal. It was that arrogance that led to his international hiatus in the first place. In that light the reintroduction of his mates Boyd, McGreggor and McCulloch must also be seen as a high risk strategy for a novice international manager.

Craig Levein, as Alan Patullo's excellent Scotsman article showed yesterday, knows his own mind. He has a fixed vision of how he will run Scotland and he won't waver from it. At the moment ensuring the availability of everybody in what is a small talent pool is his paramount concern. Once they're available he doesn't need to name them in the squad or hand them starting places. It might be that only when he discovers how they react to a rebuttal like that will he feel that he can gauge the true measure of them.

In the meantime the slightest potential of a recall will anger entire regiments of the Tartan Army.

My own view is not quite black and white. All the players concerned have shown a disregard for the team and that shouldn't be taken lightly. On the other hand I see no reason to dump a whole heap of criticism on a manager who is fighting only a phoney war until September. Time will tell if these are players he grows to rely on or even pick. If he does find himself relying on them it will be down to their success on the pitch and, I guess, that would bring its own redemption for them.

Yet it still niggles that the country has needed these players before and they failed us. For now we have to put faith in the manager. I only hope he's getting it right.

Andrew Driver

What emotive words of allegiance will Andrew Driver have on the eve of his international debut? Time will tell but can we find some clues in the following?

I have been the only English player in the Scottish league who this story applies to so all the attention has been on me but, at the end of the day, I am English, with no Scottish blood in me. I'm delighted to be here, representing England. The aim was always for me to be here. (June 2009)

Or how about?

No, my mind is made up, I want to play for Scotland (February 2010)

The confusion of youth?

The Chance Of A Second Chance?

It did not take Chick Young long. In his obituary of George Burley's reign as national team boss the great oracle of our game points out that a new manager means a new chance for Kris Boyd, Allan McGregor and Barry Ferguson.

Fair enough. A new broom and new beginnings. No manager taking the job should have his hands tied.

Likewise the new man (if it is indeed it is a man: let's not reduce our options by ruling out half the population without serious consideration) should not be the subject of a press campaign to get anybody included in his squads.

Barry Ferguson is the past and we need to be looking at the future. He could have had a role as the team's elder statesman. But age did not bring maturity. The drinking perhaps should have been an internal issue. When it erupted in public, however, it all but sealed Burley's fate.

Was the captain contrite? No, like a spoilt schoolboy given a national stage he chose to act like a prat and offend the nation. That rightly ended his national career. Full stop.

Allan McGregor was, perhaps, misled by Ferguson. But Allan McGregor is not 10 years old and should have known better than to get involved in prolonged sequence of acting like a bloody idiot. Will any manager feel he can trust him? As my old headmaster so nearly used to say: "Sorry, Allan, but if you fly with the craws then you run the risk getting a bloody great bullet up your arse."

Which leaves Kris. Dear Kris. The Boyd Wonder.

Is the national squad of a country struggling with paltry resources the place for a drama queen? Kris Boyd may think he turned his back on George Burley but in reality he threw a gigantic hissy fit that was as much of a two fingered salute to the Tartan Army as anything Barry and Allan managed.

With the supporters downbeat and apathetic will they be willing to welcome back someone who turned his back on them? Will the players who have been through these lowest of times welcome back the fellow warrior who walked away?

For what he will contribute to the cause is Kris Boyd worth taking a risk on? I'd say the divisive nature of any recall would be a hell of a call for the new manager. If it was me I'd leave him in the cold.

Yes, I know he's a prolific goalscorer. But here's a thing. All I've heard over the weekend is the wonders that Walter Smith managed as Scotland manager. Well Walter shares Burley's view of Boyd's effectiveness in big games.

So the new manager has a choice of ignoring Boyd or picking him for the off chance of a hat trick against San Marino and then a flounce off home when he's not picked against Spain. Mud sticks. It's Boyd's own fault that he's done most of the mud slinging himself.

The Boyd Done Bad

5pm last Saturday. George Burley is being hailed by the press for the double substitution that led to Chris Iwelumo's debut goal, the winning goal.

Somewhere in a darkened corner of Hampden Kris Boyd decides to turn his back on his national team. Nobody cares.

One moment of inexplicable madness can, of course, change a lot of things. Iwelumo was to be fall the guy. Burley the incompetent, blind to the match winning potential of the Ranger on his bench.

And Boyd's decision to quit the national team in disgust was, if not applauded, at least understood in some quarters. Burley was left to defend himself for making the change that cost Scotland the game.

But here's the thing. Boyd was benched by Scotland for the same reasons that he's benched by Rangers. We're constantly told that he doesn't work hard, doesn't do enough for the team.

Boyd seems to think that his goals are enough. His managers disagree. Through stubbornness or through a lack of ability Boyd refuses to change.

And then he throws his toys out of the pram. Not in a spectacular, Duncan Ferguson, I'll never be back kind of way.

Rather in a "this Scotland thing ain't big enough for the both of us, I'll be seeing ya when Burley's a goner" kind of way.

Not so daft Kris. With the qualifying campaign all but dead in the water and Burley not endearing himself to the mass of Scotland's fans in the stadium or in the press box, Boyd will be thinking that he can wander back the minute Burley walks. At this rate that could be sometime next autumn. Not a big price to pay for the striker, is it?

But here's the news Kris. The way Scotland play now, the way we are so comprehensively not as good as our opponents means that maybe, just maybe Walter and George are right. Maybe goals aren't enough. And if he's still not changed then maybe when a new manager arrives and Kris dramatically announces his return he won't find the welcome as warm as he'd like.

That turn of events might seem like justice to many of the Scotland fans who think Boyd has behaved abysmally.

Friendly Fire

The pre season is in full swing now with the SPL clubs getting their preparations for the season fully underway.

A quick roundup:

After the disaster of the Intertoto Cup Hibs were held to a no scoring draw against Raith. Good news for the Hibs fans: There was a mystery triallist in goals. Bad news for the Hibs fans: He was 24 year old Phil Imray of Team Wellington in New Zealand. The Hibees crying out for an experienced keeper look set to be disappointed as the board continue to hoard the biscuit tin.

New Hearts manager Csabo Lazlo also tasted disappointment in Fife with the Jambos losing 1-0 to Dunfermline. Lazlo played Michael Stewart in the supporting role behind lone striker Gary Glen. Lazlo, however, would prefer to play two orthodox strikers so he may well be borrowing Mixu's begging bowl before long. Top marks to the Scotsman's Anthony Brown, incidentally, for calling a corner "a flag kick" and returning match reporting to the 1940's.

Rangers came from behind to beat Lotte 3-1 with Kris Boyd (surprise, surprise) and John Fleck the scorers. Andreas Velicka started up front and there was also a welcome return for Andy Webster. With Rangers in action in the Champion's League qualifiers in a fortnight it remains to be seen if Boyd can cement his place in Walter Smith's starting 11.

All of this is, of course, pretty much meaningless. But at least it's football!