Scottish football gossip: Part two

Truth, lies and Joseph Barton

Giddy with signing Scotland international Brian Kerr (three caps, as you ask) John Collins is going to swoop for Chelsea’s Belgian ‘keeper Yves Makaba-Makalamby. Try putting that on the back of your shirt.

All is not bright on Mr Collins’ horizon though. Michael Stewart is ready to spill the beans on the whole sorry saga of the player rebellion. Human beanpole and club captain Rob Jones is rumoured to have played a far larger part in the uprising than previously thought. From teacher to Grimsby to Leith’s very own Fidel Castro in the blink of an eye.

As laughing Jim Jefferies waits for Gordon Greer, Gary Locke and Peter Leven to sign new contracts Killie’s crown jewel Steven Naismith is set to join Hearts as Vlad splashes the cash with the abandon of a submariner on shore leave in a brothel. Hearts are also on the scent of Jason Scotland – with Craig Levein also sniffing around in a bid to get Scotland back to Tannadice.

Rangers hope to sign Alan Smith. I presume they are hoping for the Manchester United striker and not the nasal voiced whiner that once played for Arsenal. Meanwhile Nacho Novo is set to leave Glasgow and join Zenit St Petersburg.

Rangers fans still insist that emotional ties will persuade life long Gers fan Scott Brown to Ibrox. Tottenham, however, are confident that £4.5 million will see Scott leave his Rangers scarf at Edinburgh Airport as he scampers down south to cuddle up Martin Jol. Larry Kingston might help soothe Walter Smith’s feelings of rejection.

Neale Cooper could revisit past glories with a managerial return to Ross County – the job was advertised in the Daily Record today so feel free to send in a letter.

Joey Barton might be moving to Glasgow as Gordon Strachan lines up a bid for the midfield psychopath. This may or may not be the breathtaking signing Celtic fans have been promised. Strachan is also going after Watford centre half Danny Shittu. Ah, Celtic and their defenders. Rafael Scheidt anyone?

Meanwhile Royston Keane is after Thomas Gravesen and will offer Martin O’Neill outside as the fight for Artur Boruc gets tough.

Tam McManus is set to repay Dunfermline for giving him another crack in the SPL – by buggering off if they get relegated. Rats, ships, sinking etc.

And Maurice Malpas going is on an mad shopping spree. Scott Agnew, Jamie McLen (Hamilton Accies), Curtis McDonald (Cardiff City) and Daniel Severino (unattached) are all going straight in Mo's Costco trolley.

Scottish football gossip: Part one

A few snippets of (possibly untrue) gossip:

Hibs' Shelton Martis is to rejoin Darlington after falling foul of John Collins following the player revolt at Easter Road. Greg Shields is also on his way with Michael Stewart hoping to start again in the English Premiership with old mate Roy Keane’s Sunderland: the two kept in touch after Stewart left Manchester United and met up again when Keane joined Celtic. Faced with the prospect of playing a seven-a-side team next season Collins is to snap up MK Don’s striker and lower league journeyman Clive Platt

Hearts have filled Hibs' boots and now look set to host Barcelona at Murrayfield in July – Dundee United will also play the Catalan minnows. Larry Kingston is staying at Hearts. Or Kingston is going: with his agent and dastardly Vladimir Romanov in cahoots to use his appearances at Hearts as a way of bumping up his transfer fee.

John Hartson is not ruling out a return to Celtic Park. Although as nobody seems to be ruling it in, the giant Spam Man’s comments seem somewhat optimistic. Thomas Gravesen will not leave Celtic despite interest from LA Galaxy and Roy Keane.

Gordon Strachan does have his eye on Southampton old boy James Beattie and Reading’s Steve Sidwell. Sidwell has now been linked with 5006 clubs. But Artur Boruc is offski – Aston Villa are primed and ready to pounce. Strachan himself is staying put despite alleged interest from serial flirters Manchester City and Newcastle.

Swiss defender Stephen Keller is on trial at Falkirk. Dutch side RKC Waalwijk are happy to see him go. Sorry, that should have read happy to let him go. John Sutton will be playing for Yogi next season after signing a pre contract agreement - but John Hughes is to ship six players out.

More, almost unavoidably, soon.